It’s been about three months since the day I walked out.
Allow me to demonstrate, in photographs, the change in my demeanor between what I was like three months ago, and what I’m like, now.
Can you see it? My smile, that is. It’s not forced. It’s not a carefully staged selfie where I took several in order to finally capture one where I was sort of smiling convincingly. I’m actually doing something (in this case, creating a rubber stamp). I feel like I look a lot younger, and just… happier.
The cool thing is, most of my pictures are coming out like this right now. There’s a light in those eyes that had been shut off for so, so long. A joy for life that I have not felt in… well, a very very long time.
Fun fact: Did you know that, once upon a time, I was a gigging musician? I mostly played drums and bass. Had a few bands. Sat in with a few others. I wouldn’t say I was awesome, but for a self-taught teenager, I did alright for myself. Music was my passion in life, hands down. My life revolved around consuming and creating music, and sharing it with my dearest friends and family.
Not so fun fact: I completely walked away from it when I was 16. All the years I spent just plucking on my bass, or drumming along to records, instead of doing my homework, were for nothing, so it seemed. The thing that was the lynchpin of how I identified myself became nothing more than “just a phase”. And, honestly, I’ve been kind of lost ever since.
But, fear not, dear readers! For I have started jamming again. I suck, my fingers hurt, and I’ve forgotten all my slick tricks. My kid gets embarrassed when I sing and I struggle just doing bass walks. But, for fuck’s sake, I’m playing music again. Consuming music again. Sharing music again.
Things continue to be very surreal. I ended up moving back in with my mom, which was somewhat unexpected, but it’s turned out to actually be very, very good, and very healing, for both my mom and I. We’ve done a lot of good talking and healing of old wounds. I’ve been better about cleaning around the house, she set up some stuff she wanted to see done at certain times and I’ve followed it pretty easily. Simple stuff, but significant for me. She does her part, I do mine, the house is tidy, and I feel actually a lot less anxious. She helps me with Riko quite a bit, which is so nice. Occasionally she’ll get up with him and let me catch a few extra hours of sleep, or she’ll hang with him so I can nap, and she’s cool if I go out after he goes to sleep. Having that extra support person to kind of tag team with has made a huge difference in my sanity level.
Bob and I are actually doing okay, considering the fact that we’re splitting up. We hang a bit whenever we’re exchanging Riko, and it’s about as friendly as one could hope for, given the circumstances. He seems pretty lonely over in that house by himself, so sometimes I feel like he’s clinging onto me for dear life whenever we’re talking. But for the most part, it’s okay. It hasn’t been without issues and bumps, but he seems to be accepting that we’re not getting back together. He’s also aware I’m dating someone else, and is surprisingly not freaking out about it, so I give him a lot of credit for that.
As far as dating… well, I’m still actually dating the guy I mentioned in the last post. We are actually quite partial to one another. The fact that we’re the same age, plus we’ve lived here our whole lives, more or less, and we’re only just now finding each other, kind of blows my mind. Especially given all the near-misses we’ve had, of which there are too many to list here. But, I’m glad we found each other now. The timing is only barely right, as it is, at this point. He’s definitely been a huge factor in me taking up music again, since he’s a professional organist and an incredibly talented keyboardist in general. He likes to jam with me to The Who, even though I totally suck still. We also make each other laugh a lot, and go on silly adventures to random places. When I’m with him, I finally feel a sense of how young I really am. I also feel like I can absolutely be myself around him, which is unbelievably nice.
In any event, I am happy to report that I’m doing well. I feel like I’m present in my own body and mind, again. I feel my sense of humor really coming back. I feel my artistic drive returning. I feel my urge to do better and be better returning. Dare I say, I feel alive!